I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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