Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
