It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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