I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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