Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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