I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
