I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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