My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
