i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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