A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
