i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
