don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
