OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We just shotgunned beers for America
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
