haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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