Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
