Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
