whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
