I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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