I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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