This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
