Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
