i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
