I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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