I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
