Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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