you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
