I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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