His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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