Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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