I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
