my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
