It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Let's paint friendship bongs
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
