got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
