Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
