We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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