saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
