I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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