No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
