Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
