i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
