I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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