I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
