I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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