There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
