I got her a Nickelback box set.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
