saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
