ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
