Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
