When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
