I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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