Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
