I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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