I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
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Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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