Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
