After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
