im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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