In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
