If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
