imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
