The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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