Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
