Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
